Must You Have Turkey?

Hi, it’s me... your freshly presidentially-pardoned turkey. Yes, that turkey. The one who got the handshake, the photo op, and the sudden realization that I came within 24 hours of becoming a very different kind of centerpiece in your home.

Now that I’m safely out of oven range, I’d like to have a heart-to-heart. Can we talk about why turkeys always get chosen for Thanksgiving dinner? I mean, every year, millions of us get drafted for a job that none of us applied for. Tradition is great and all, but I think it’s time to shake things up. Just a bit. For me. For the flock.

Hear me out: you have so many other options. How about pumpkins? They are big, round, and festive. They practically beg to be roasted. Potatoes? They’re overachievers. Mash ’em, roast ’em, fry ’em, stick ’em in a casserole. They never complain.

And if you absolutely need a “main event,” what about crab? They are pretty fancy, and from what I've been told, delicious. Chickens? They’ve been doing the dinner gig forever and seem oddly okay with it. I’m not saying you need to eat them, but let’s be real, they don’t carry the same emotional baggage as the official Thanksgiving mascot.

Or, and I know this might sound wild, you could skip the meat completely. Imagine the table in your home piled high with stuffing, rolls, veggies, mac and cheese, pies… basically everything you already love, just minus the part where a bird like me has a very bad day.

Look, I’m not here to guilt-trip anyone. I’m just a lucky turkey hoping to give the rest of my brethren a fighting chance. So this year, maybe let us off the hook?

Trust me... we’ll be very thankful.